Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Two Bowls, One Headache: Part One

Part One is a maddening clusterfuck of B-list bums desperately searching for, and finding, an opportunity to get drunk together. The sequel is an eternal procession of A-list entourages, achingly “dry.”

Part One: FVK highly recommends going to at least one Super Bowl before you die. Just a few weekends ago, we visited our second: in lovely, deliciously ”inhabitable” Jacksonville, Florida - the epicenter of what we would soon find out was one of the largest counties in these United States: “Duuuuuuuuuuvaaaaaaaaal!” (In general, FVK does not approve of folks identifying themselves with the “county” they live in. There is something particularly “country” about that.)

Yes, the good people of Duval county and the greater Jacksonville area take great pride in their home turf, seemingly on the virtue of it’s “livability” alone. Like all well-thought-out metro areas, they have attractions like good “roads,” “schools” and “sources of water.” I know this because every cab driver there - I swear the three of them are employed by the Duval County Chamber of Commerce Something - told me so, echoed by splashy cover pull-outs in the local daily. Yes, Jacksonville Welcomes Super Fans - A Great Place To Live!

Soon enough, all of these super fans would discover that Jacksonville was a far better place to live and work then wherever the fuck they were from and would move there with all of their friends immediately. Fortunately and Unfortunately, just about everyone there was too drunk to READ, and so the lies spread by the Florida Times-Union went largely unnoticed, as did the real truth about Jacksonville.

Jacksonville sucks.

Of course, no city is helped by a catastrophic infestation of Eagles Fans, a horde as ungodly as any we have discovered. They are drunken, rude, unkempt (the awfulest shade of green), and seemingly only able to spell things in unison and at great volumes. They are also, in the end, losers. Once again we direct you to the Good News to your right.

Highlights: Crime Mob on the radio. Picking up Bun B at the airport and delivering him to the Trillest superbowl party in the continental forty eight, where we had the opportunity to meet our new best friend, Young Jeezy!!! (His new mixtape is entitled "Come Shop With Me," which is, needless to say, awesome.) Also, making nice conversation with someone named Veronica at the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit party. She told us she was on the cover of the new swimsuit issue, but we just found her a sparkling conversationalist. Also, the World Champion New England Patriots rolling through the thousands of evil Eagles people in downtown Jacksonville in a four bus motorcade with police escort, like Moses parting the Green Sea.

Lowlights: The thousands of evil Eagles people. Joey Fatone and Boyz 2 Men fronting in the hotel lobby. A red-wine'd-up Mike Ditka at Ruth's Chris. Jacksonville.

Coming up: Part 2, in which Fearless Vampire Killer visits The Grammys!!

Comments: Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?